I’ve been quiet on here, partly an attempt to focus on my family more, and partly because I felt my words dried up. I didn’t know what to say, and I’ve been juggling too many balls, so the Substack ball was dropped.
I’m in the midst of book edits, I’m preparing my talk for the Catholic Women’s Conference of Denver Retreat on April 18th, and I’m organizing our local Catholic homeschool conference again. Registration is now live if you want to attend! It’s a lineup that I’m really excited about: RMCHEC.org.
But on top of all my regular duties, it’s a lot.
In March, I wrote at Denver Catholic on why you should confess venial sins and how to approach Confession.
For Lent, I read The Bellbind Letters: Inside the Devil’s Plan for your Motherhood by Samantha Stephenson. Written in a Screwtape-inspired letter form, it was so insightful into the hidden, insidious ways that the devil tries to tempt mothers. I became more aware of the twisted lies and feelings that I’ve been battling lately, and there’s nothing that vanquishes the darkness more than the blinding light of truth. She writes in beautiful prose, and I highly recommend this book.
I also didn’t have a lot to say because I was going through a period of discouragement. I have been homeschooling our kids for over a decade, and this year brought me to the edge. Not only did I feel very scattered with all the different activities, classes, and schedules, but I also felt disillusioned. I don’t enjoy teaching the older kids that much, and they don’t seem to enjoy it either. Teenagers’ brains are a wild ride and a fascinating science experiment.
As a young, naïve, idealist homeschool mom, I thought that if I just read them good, classic books on the couch (and do a little math), they would turn out just fine. Lately, I’ve listened to some podcasts and read some articles here on Substack that seemed to make the same case. “If you love learning, then they will too, and they will even want to do schoolwork for fun on their breaks!” When they were younger, some of that was true. I actually liked those schooling years.
But now my kids are sleeping in, giving me attitude, and pushing back on the little schoolwork we manage to do. I have felt quite defeated. I’ve fantasized about giving up and putting them into school until I think about packing lunches, the morning commute, and homework at the end of the day. (only half-joking)
I had planned to bring my frustrations about homeschool to God in my holy hour. For most of Lent, I would show up in the chapel ready to problem-solve the situation. And then, somehow, I forgot to bring it up, and my holy hour would be over before I remembered it again. Week after week, I was spending time with my Lord in the chapel and forgetting my desolation with schooling during that hour.
Towards the end of Lent, I realized a shift was happening in me due to a few different factors.
One was that I was reading Substack less. Instagram doesn’t tempt me to jealousy the way the literature scholars and academics do on Substack. I am a simple person, using plain words that are not often in the right order (as my editor can attest to), so what am I even doing on here? No one in my house besides me is reading good books for fun. But with less Substack came less comparison.
Another shift happened as I considered my husband’s situation. He is not a reader, but he is much smarter than me in most non-academic ways, and a better artist to boot. Substack is a place primarily for writers, not a place where people in the trades wax poetic about their jobs and hope to convince people to learn how to weld their own pipes or build their own cabinets. But those people and their skills are important, too.
Then my husband and I traveled to Steubenville to visit my alma mater (Franciscan University) and tour the new trade school, The College of St. Joseph. We were both very impressed with the college’s vision and what they are doing there. Students earn a BA in Catholic studies, which will fuel their vision for life, but they will also graduate with hands on skills in the trades and no debt. They pay off their tuition by working for the school’s own construction company. Their teachers hand on the wisdom not only of the trades but the business skills needed to run your own company. We saw the back of one of their shirts that said, “The Word became flesh and picked up a hammer.” Mic drop.
At the same time, God has been working on my heart in Adoration. Clearly HE is not worried about my children’s schooling situation because I have so much peace when I’m with Him. If there was something truly the matter, I believe He would prick my heart instead of allowing me to forget my worries. It has caused me to reflect more on my children and God’s plan for them. (And it is likely not an academic professor. But who knows? So many adults didn’t like reading until they became adults.) I’ve begun to see more of their good qualities and strengths instead of focusing on the deficiencies.
The last factor was reading about the Saints. Many days, I’ll read a story from Saints Around the World by Meg Hunter-Kilmer. These saints are children, adults, catechists, priests, martyrs, and even criminals. Most are from counties I only have a vague awareness of, and many are not very educated. One woman could only say, “I only know Jesus and Mary!” to any catechism question. She was martyred.
Their stories are wonderful because they are all different, and God worked in their lives in varied ways. It makes me think of what kinds of stories could be said about my children if they were to become saints one day. Whether or not they read the classics in their spare time would probably not figure into the story at all.
On St. Patrick’s Day, we watched a cartoon about his life, and a line stuck with me. When he was telling his parents he was going back to Ireland, the place that enslaved him, he said, “I didn’t know how to pray until I encountered hardship.” It was his abduction, slavery, and loneliness in shepherding that taught him to find God and commune with Him.
I don’t expect anything as difficult as pirates and slavery to befall my children, but I also need to be okay with the fact that life is messy and teenagers don’t always do what you tell them to. God has them on a path that might have lots of turns, but I am only responsible for my own faithfulness.
To that end, I can say the faith is alive in our home. My children, like all of us, do not always want to pray or choose to do the right thing. They are learning and growing and struggling, but I prioritize having a joyful home* and the ability to say “I’m sorry.” My goal is that my kids know they are loved by God and their parents and that they have a purpose to their life.
And day by day, with the help of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, that is enough for now.
*I felt confirmed in this fact by listening to a recent episode of the Lila Rose podcast with the Popcaks discussing the CARA study that discovered the #1 factor in children retaining their faith is warmness in the home.
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I'm sorry that you are struggling, but thank you for sharing them. It is important for homeschoolers to be honest that homeschooling can be hard sometimes. As a long-time homeschooler, I can totally relate!
Beautiful wood work by your husband! Praying you’re encouraged this week in a special way. Our Lord’s plan for our kids is so hard to surrender to when it’s not clear to us and doesn’t follow the path of so many others. But He is good and He is faithful and loves our kids more than we do. May we be icons of His love to them even in the hard seasons. Thanks for reminding me of that today.